Thinking of you

I think of you often. It is safe to say I spend every day thinking of you. It's not that I choose to keep you on my mind. It's your fault, not mine. You dug such a deep hole in my mind and buried yourself in it that you made it impossible for me not to think of you every second of every hour. In a way, i feel like I don't think of you, because you are not a simple idea that appears on my brain and then leaves. You are permanent, you remain on a corner of my eyes, everywhere I look.

With everything I do, there you are to remind me not to forget you. When I wake up in the morning, even before looking at the clock I find myself thinking whether you are still asleep and if everything is okay with you. I get up and once I get into the kitchen to have breakfast, before realizing what I want to eat, I think of the many breakfasts we shared and I can't eat any of the things we used to. It is disrespectful to have coffee with milk without you.

When I'm not with you, I have to have a completely different life, even if I don't want to. Even if there are habits that I want to keep because I think they were good, I can't. Because I did those things with you. I can't lie on the couch looking at a series in my computer. Of course I can't, that is something we used to do together. Doing it alone would be killing the memory, saying I'm good enough to do it without you. Which I am not. I am not good enough to do alone any of the things I did with you. Because now it takes two to do all of those things. And I am not even one, I am only half. You took my other half with you. So how can half a person do the exact same thing as two? I can't, I don't have strength to do it nor the conscience to carry it.

You are deeply rooted in me. Please come back to me, give me back the part of me you took, give me the things we did together, give me you.

I can't wait much longer anymore, we both know it.

First Dinner

We had decided to spend the whole day together. So much had happened the day before, we decided that this would be our clean slate. And it was. I didn't realize it then, how important that day and night would become to us. You didn't go to work that day, there was no appointment, nothing to do, but stay in all day. We woke up late in the morning, I made breakfast. We went back to bed. I don't know how I can recll every moment, but I do. We talked, watched movies, had long sex sessions. We had time for everything, and time went by so fast. When we realized it, it was almost dinner time and we didn't have anything to cook at home. So we both decided, both unconsciously and at the same time, that this would be our first "official" meal together. No one said it, but we knew. We knew this would be the first of many to come. We came back from the market, I decided I was cooking. You went to the bedroom and stayed there, talking to friends, watching a movie. I decided I wanted to prepare an unforgettable meal with the very limited means we had. I tried, I don't think what we ate was unforgettable, but every moment was. Two hours later, I had dinner ready, on a table set with small candles and a beach towel serving as a table towel. I called you, you had a glance at the table and you went back to the bedroom. I started hearing a James Blunt song, I will absolutely never forget which one it was. You came back to the room, came closer to me, held me softly and said "thank you". Such a small sentence, but so sincere. I felt it was, I know it was. I still remember what we ate, what we drank. Maybe with time those details will fade. But the one thing time will never erase from my mind is the way you made me feel that evening. You made me feel that was the beginning of something beautiful. It was. And ever since, each time I hear "You're Beautiful" I will remember the goosebumps you gave me for that minute you held me and kissed me. That one minute that will last a lifetime.